Here are some qualities shared by strong families –

A Sense of Commitment to the Family 

A commitment is a pledge or a promise. Applied to family life, it is a sense of responsibility or duty to the family that overrides temporary conflicts or times of crisis. Members of strong families take their familial commitment seriously. It is conscious, unwavering, and unconditional. Strong families are not immune to the problems faced by everyone else in modern times – they too face hectic days, financial difficulties, demanding work hours, marital infidelity, and illness. In strong families, however, commitment implies that family members help each other out during hard times. They make the family relationship a priority, even if it means sacrificing personal wants, activities outside of the family, or work demands. At the core of sacrificing for the family is the idea of putting the interests of others ahead of one’s own – a notion that reflects moral values and integrity.

Try these things:

__ Arrange a family council for an hour once a month. Discuss your family goals, what you are doing to meet them, and what needs to be worked on. Listen to each other’s ideas rather than condemning them. Encourage free, open, and accepting communication.

__ If everyone in the family is too busy with outside activities, rearrange schedules so that more time can be spent together with the family. Or have each family member agree to give up one outside activity.

__ Designate a wall in the house as the “family wall.” Decorate it with photos, souvenirs, and family mementos.

__ Make a record of the family history in a photo album, identifying dates, places, and special events.

Showing Appreciation and Building Self-Esteem

Healthy families share in common the ability to show appreciation to each other. By showing appreciation, we are essentially saying that the other person is worthy and has dignity. We declare that we can see the positive qualities of the other person. This message is crucial to emotional wellness because it is a core building block of self-esteem. Thus, strong families help build healthy personalities. Parents and siblings have a strong influence in molding children to see themselves as either good or bad. When a person’s self-definition is characterized by negative self-esteem, that person has difficulty both in acknowledging positive feedback and in giving it. Strong families cherish their members, show that they are valued, and build self-esteem in their members that can be carried on to the next generation.

Try these things:

__ Set a goal of giving each family member at least one compliment per day.

__ Create a positive home environment by reframing negative statements into positive ones (instead of saying, “You are always trying to control me,” say “I like how you are concerned about my well-being all the time”).

__ Write down ten things you like about each member of your family – and then show them your list.

Sharing Positive Communication

One research study has shown that the average couple spends seventeen minutes per week in conversation. In contrast, strong families spend a great deal of time talking with one another – ranging from trivial matters to important issues. Communication helps us to feel connected, and because members of strong families feel free to exchange information and ideas, they become good problem solvers. Some families set aside time for family council meetings and others do their talking over the dinner table each night. Most communication in these families, however, is spontaneous. Positive communication involves both talking and listening.

Try these things:

__ Designate a time for the family to share the events of the day (for example, at dinner). Avoid disciplining and negative remarks during this time.
__ Look objectively at your communication patterns and determine which ones can be improved (for example, using sarcasm, creating crises, cutting off someone else who is speaking). Work on one communication habit for a month. Then, the next month, work on another. A trained therapist can help identify negative communication patterns.

Spending Time Together

Strong families spend a great deal of time together, and the time spent is not always in planned events. Just spending time, doing nothing in particular, eases our feelings of isolation and loneliness, builds relationships, contributes to a feeling of security, and helps to create a sense of family identity. Individual family members should find time when two people can do something together without the entire family present. Spending time together can involve eating meals together, doing household chores together, celebrating special events and holidays, and participating in community activities, indoor recreation (playing games, telling stories, working on puzzles) or outdoor activities (taking a walk, camping, picnicking).

Try these things:

__ Recall some of your happiest childhood experiences which involve spending time with your family. Try to recreate these types of experiences with your current family.

__ Let the children help with household tasks, and do these chores together as a family.

__ Plan a yearly family reunion – and make it easy for everyone to attend.

Cultivating Your Spiritual Wellness

One characteristic of strong families is a shared belief in a greater power that guides ethical behavior, concern for others, and unity with living things. These shared beliefs help to create a bond between family members, as well as providing a framework for love, purpose, security, hope, and peace. The guidelines for living a good life, which are inherent in spiritual beliefs, help family members define appropriate behavior within the family and toward others. Some families pray, meditate, or read spiritually oriented writings together, and this serves to cohere the life of the family. Spiritual beliefs also connect families with like-minded people in the community, and this serves to validate and strengthen the family.

Try these things:

__ Find a cause that is bigger than you or your family (world hunger, peace, reducing crime, helping the homeless). Volunteer your time as a family on these issues within the community.

__ Take a look at your own values and views about the world. Keep a journal of your thoughts and share them with your family.

__ Set aside family time for a form of devotion that is compatible with your beliefs. This could include prayer, meditation, contemplation, or a walk in nature.

Coping with Stress and Crisis

A crisis is a time of decision, the outcome of which may be positive or negative. Some families fall apart when faced with a crisis like illness, death, or financial setbacks. All families experience the challenge of a crisis at certain times. Strong families, however, have the ability to pull together and draw on each other’s strengths when they are faced with the stress of crisis. They pool their resources, work together, get help from outside support systems, keep communication open in the face of the strong emotions of a crisis, and draw on their shared spiritual beliefs. When a family is strong, it is able to maintain the flexibility necessary to weather the crisis, and family members expect a positive resolution in the end.

Try these things:

__ Include in family discussions at dinner hypothetical questions involving crises (like what you would do in case of an earthquake or a hurricane, or if a parent became ill, or if there were a national emergency such as war). Use discretion in talking about these topics with young children, who may be frightened by these discussions – but they can learn that if their parents can handle these situations, so can they.

__ Examine the level of stress experienced by family members and use stress reduction techniques for managing it (like exercise, cultivating a hobby, talking about stressors).